The Day After

Kristan had a very rough day yesterday. She and Steve were met by her daddy Thursday morning at the hospital and she was definitely feeling the weight and stress of the upcoming events. After final preparations and a very tearful goodbye to Steve and her dad, Kristan was wheeled away to surgery. The next 12 hours her family and many friends waited and leaned on each other for encouragement, a listening ear and even humor. Kristan stories were flying, cancer stories circulating, everyone was loving each other and the fellowship was amazing. How Awesome is a God that brings people together in even the scariest of times. Kristan and Carolyn have brought many of us together, at the Lord's feet, praying and pleading for the health of our precious girls. After a very brutal day of surgery the reports were all GREAT. There was no more cancer and all went as planned. Kristan was overjoyed at the sight of her precious daughters, her amazing Steve and her family and friends. Her tears of joy at just being alive and on the OTHER side of cancer were so moving and the sight of her opened eyes and precious face lifted all of our spirits. She is hurting yes, the pain is sometimes unbearable, but she is a fighter and most definitely a survivor like her MOTHER! She says her back feels like she had the most intense workout of her life and her breast area is really hurting her. Her arms ache from being in strange positions for so long during the surgery and she is very tired. Anyone who gets the chance to see Kristan, take a little time to rub her hands, arms or her feet and let her know through your touch how much you love her.

Kristan got to see her Mother today. It was a very sweet moment when they embraced and shared such a new and strange connection. They share cancer and the pains of it. They also share the joy of knowing the love and support they have from so many people. They will soon share the ELATION of being cancer-free! Carolyn is half way through her chemo treatments and she is getting stronger every day. Please continue to remember Carolyn as her fight continues. It is long and it is tiring. As much as we rejoice knowing Kristan is OK now and will heal in the hands of the Lord, Carolyn is still in the midst of battle with her cancer.

Kristan will be in the hospital for a minimum of 4 days last I heard. She will then do her recovery with her Mother, next to her Mother, in her Mother's arms. Of course, Mike, Carolyn and Kristan will need help. They will need meals, they will need helpers at the house, they will always need prayers!

The most important message Kristan and Carolyn want out of this ENTIRE crazy thing is for all women to GET A MAMMOGRAM! Do not delay, go today, go tomorrow, but go and go often. (I am preaching to myself here too!) If you do not, Kristan will come after you with tee shirts, pins, banners and you will eventually go because she will be after you until you do!

More updates to come!
Kimberly

Reality

Today marks the last day until "d" day. It makes me sick, sad, shocked, hopeful & expectant all at once. Is that possible? I am not wanting to see Mom now, because she represents what I could be........ That's so unfair to her, but it scares me to death to see her so sick, hairless & hurting. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE!~

I realize she will be much different in a few days , but right now, she strikes the fear of chemo into me! Then I take a few steps back, re-access and realize that I will do what I HAVE to do to survive. As much as it would break my heart to follow in her steps, I could and would do it! I have a MIGHTY GOD behind me. I am having to lean more & more on Him right now. Being honest, I have to admit that a 10 hour surgery really scares me! BUT, I know that I have a phenomenal surgeon, many prayers being said for me & more friends than I am able to count praying for me. God is faithful & I have to trust in Him to carry me when I'm paralyzed by my fear.


As a mother, I want to make it all right & ok for my children.....I can not do that. It is humanly impossible. I am stressing trying to get it all "together" before I go into surgery. I have to realize that if they miss a summer league volleyball or basketball game, the world will not end :) I realize a lot right now.....how unimportant is your favorite t.v. show??? ...........how unimportant is that argument you had with your spouse?????........ how unimportant is the fact that the toilet seat is up, the clothes are on the floor in the bedrooms & the kids have left "little pieces of themselves" all over your house???? Priorities are being set & the reality is that SO much just does not matter in the big scheme of life. Houses cleaned are nice, clothes picked up are a luxury & shows are mostly dumb fluff. I want to focus, & I want my children to focus on the "real"! On the important things in our every day living. Taking food to someone, sending a card, being kind to one another, saying how pretty someone looks that day......these are the things that MAKE A DIFFERENCE!


I hope to change someone's life by my experience. I hope someone is scared into being tested, finding the cancer early & living for their children!!! That is my wish!


IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR ME.......... get a mammogram. Get tested! Save you life & be here decades to come for your husband & children. That would be the greatest gift you could ever give me (and yourself). It won't get any less scary the longer you put it off. Go today! NOW! Make your appointment. Please!!!!! and let me know when you've done it. Those emails make my day! They are a blessing.

Obviously I am up & not in bed like I should be, but I still have miles to go "before I sleep"...ha!

I won't be writing any more for a while, but I will find someone to do it for Mom and me.

Thank you for all the prayers for our family!!! Wow....the Lord can show you some awesome things in horrible times!!! There have been many many people who have come to my "rescue" and they will never know what they mean to me. Thank you in advance for all you are doing for my family. Thank you for the precious scriptures, emails, & texts.

It's 2:20 a.m. , 3.5 hours before I have to be at the hospital, & the scripture coming to my mind is "be still & know that I am God". Even though I have had my moments of sheer panic in the last few days, I really do have peace in whatever is ahead.

***please pray for no spreading of my cancer to my lymph nodes & pray for Mom's mouth. She has the bad sores again & they are very painful ***

Graduation

Sadly, Mom wasn't able to make it to Whitley's graduation. She was very weak & wobbly.....feeling like she has the flu.

This is her "down" week. She is in bed most of the week. Next week she'll be much stronger & the one after that, she'll be herself again.

The days just didn't fall right.  She has seen all the pictures from Dad and me.  The good news is that she will make every graduation for the next 9 grandchildren because she will be CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HALF WAY THERE!

Mom had her third round of chemo without getting sick again!~  Praise God!!!  She is doing great.  She had her shot today & will begin to feel achy, but is going to try her best to get to Whitley's graduation.  She wants to go really bad, but says she feels like she has the flu.  She is going to get IV fluids the day of graduation in hopes that will give her the extra "umph" she needs  to get up and go :)

Graduation is a small school private ceremony with about 60 or so graduates, so it won't be long.  If mom can just get there to cheer Whitley on, it would be awesome.  Whitley has come so far and worked so hard.  We are all very proud of her.  She just returned from her senior trip in New York!  Fun times!  

Mom has been very focused on me lately, which I guess is a good thing.  It definitely gets her mind off of herself.  She has been very supportive of me and my decisions.  She went to the surgeon's  appointment with me.  You'd think she would know all there is to know, but each case is vastly different.  She is in agreement with me and my doctor to do the bilateral mastectomy.  She also met me today (after her shot) to meet briefly with the plastic surgeon & get all the info on that aspect of my surgery. Yikes!  Will be nasty, but TEMPORARY!  I will be in the hospital 4-5 days at a minimum:)  The chemo has affected her thinking because thinks she'll come visit......but we'll see.  I think she needs to stay home away from all the virus, strep & swine flu running rampant in hospitals! ha! 

I will admit, even as an adult, I wonder how it will be to NOT have my mom "taking care" of me.  She's always been there....every baby, every trial & every surgery.  I realize I am SO BLESSED & ok..........a bit spoiled. I guess it's time I grow up huh?....Yes!  I'm woman enough to admit  it.  

All will be ok.  I have many friends who are precious & willing to take the reins.    You may ask where my sweet husband is?????  Well....I'd rather him stay conscious throughout this whole ordeal.  If you speak the words "needle" or "intubation tube" to him, he is VERY likely to pass out.  He will be there to hold my hand & then go home to hold our children.  That is where he needs to be.   He has promised me the 1st night's stay & that is all I need. God gave me a precious Godly man!

** Pray for Mom to be able to make it to graduation & for all of us to make it through graduation! *** 

The Blessing of Mom

What a privilege it has been to take care of Mom!  It has truly been an honor.  She has sacrificed everything for her family & I love that we (her family & friends) have been allowed to show her how much she means to us during this time in her life.

I have to admit that I was a little unsure & afraid of being with her while she was so sick.  My mom has always taken care of me & I've been mother to my children, but Mom's never needed me like this before.  I've never been the "mom" to Mom......it was such a role reversal.  I had no idea what to expect & I wasn't confident that I could do it.  I wasn't sure I'd be all that she needed.  I wasn't even sure that I would be able to handle her pain & help her with all of her physical needs.   All of a sudden, she became opposite of what I grew up knowing her to be.  She has never failed to be there for all of us; so strong. When she was pitiful in the bed not able to move her arms or do anything for herself, it was very tough to watch. She's always been the strongest woman I know & it broke my heart to see her completely helpless. 

But, being with Mom was a blessing........ in so many ways! More than I ever imagined.  She & I have had some precious times together....times I would trade for nothing and will always treasure.  

 

I found out last week that she & I will have the opportunity to be sharing many more of those times.  My surgery last week showed cancer & I will be having a bilateral mastectomy May 28.  I know....I know.....it's C R A Z Y!  satan is doing his best.  But he WILL NOT win.  What he intends for evil, we will turn to good.  Ironic that we've been studying spiritual warfare at church!

It's a shock, gross & so many other things, but there are many blessings already apparent. The tumor is not invasive.....only 10% of all tumors are non-invasive.....HUGE blessing.   Unless there is something hiding, there will be no reason for me to have radiation or chemo.....HUGE HUGE HUGE blessing!  Because of Mom's history, my "young" age :), margins not being clear, more suspicious spots  & a 70-90% chance for cancer returning, my doctor recommended this treatment. I can say without a doubt that this is much harder to digest when it's someone you love as opposed to the diagnosis being your own.  I believe it's more terrifying to be the one watching your loved one, than it is being the patient. Of course there are fears, concerns & questions, but I have the strength of a mighty God behind me!

 

I now know that God had a plan all along.  Jeremiah 29:11.  

He knew that I needed to walk with Mom every step of her journey in order for me to accomplish mine.  He knew that I would have been terrified had it not been for Mom laying the path before me.  Mom makes me proud, she gives me strength.....she is my inspiration! Because of Mom, I know it can be done.  It will be hard, painful & miserable at times, but I also know it's temporary.  Very temporary. There is a purpose & I can do it. We will walk this sick, tough, weary, nasty road together.  

I hesitated to add this to her blog, but she has been insisting.  There is also the reality that I won't be blogging for a while after the 28th, soooooooo, I didn't want whoever is out there reading this to wonder if I forgot about my mom. ha!

Mom has overcome so much in her life to become the loving wife, mother & friend that she is. I LOVE  & APPRECIATE each of you that honors her with your words & prayers.  Bringing Mom before the throne of the most high God is the greatest honor you could give, & having people care enough to pray is the greatest gift of all. There is such peace in knowing that others are carrying her to Jesus.  Please continue to pray for Mom & our whole family.  I am afraid this will be the toughest on my children & husband.  Many many many blessings are ahead & I know this, but it's still a road I was hoping to avoid.   A friend sent this to me, "The steps of Kristan/Carolyn are established by the Lord, and He delights in her way.  When Kristan/Carolyn falls, she will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds her hand." Psalm37:23-24. 

What is there to worry about? Could we be in better hands?????

** Thank you for your prayers !!**

No News is Good News!

Mom has been doing so well!  She even ventured out & came to a volleyball game of my daughter, Emily.  My children were THRILLED to have her in Arlington.  She was so cute in her turban.  

I am so thankful that I have no news to report except that she is doing GREAT.  Losing her hair has been freeing for her & she loves to walk around wearing nothing (on her head that is :)

She goes for her 3rd treatment on May 19.  She will be half way done!!!  I keep telling her how proud I am of her and that she only has three............T H R E E ...more treatments (after this one).  She can do it!

** Please pray that she will feel well enough to attend graduation for my step-daughter, Whitley.  She graduates May 22 and we are praying that Mom can make it the hour trip to Arlington to share with us in Whitley's huge accomplishment. ***

the Bride of His Youth

SHHH, don't tell Mom I put this on. She does not like this picture of her but I LOVE it! I caught Dad kissing her goodnight. He keeps saying he likes her "cute little Q ball head". They've been married for 45 years in August.....that's real love.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

It's been about a week since Mom's 2nd round of chemo. A new side effect this time is mouth sores. She has sores from chemo all in her mouth & throat that are bothering her. This round has been much better than last time....she never got sick, praise the Lord!, & she is getting stronger each day. Things are pretty steady. Still doesn't feel like dancing, but....

This week was a little different for us. Without worrying Mom & Dad, I had two biopsies & an MRI for a mammogram that came back atypical. SO......I finally had to tell them because I had surgery on Tuesday for an "excision of the biopsy site". Steve brought me back to Mom's to lay in bed beside her so that we could rest together. She said there was nothing she could do but hold my hand, but that was enough. So, we've spent our week side by side. It was a sweet time with Mom. We've been taking care of each other this week holding hands, laughing, taking "chemo head" pictures & enjoying time together. "Nurse Mike" is LOVING life! ha! (He's ready for a job change.) We know our situtations could be so much worse, but how ironic for everything to happen at once. Satan is trying but he won't succeed!

I've taken pictures of Mom but she doesn't want me to post them...understandably. We had a visit from cousins in Florida, Suzanne, John & J.J., so we'll post those. Sarah, Rachel & Emily saw Mom for the first time since she shaved her hair & they had a hard time. It's shocking to see, especially for the children.

**Please continue to pray for strength & positive attitudes**

"I wanna hold your hand"